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Do we really need to feel our disappointments? In her book Towards Emotional Literacy psychologist Susie Orbach answers emphatically "Yes". It is only by feeling our disappointments that we can fully deal with them. It is in processing our disappointments and grieving our losses that we find new hope, energy and commitment to do better next time, to move on with renewed vigour, more realistic expectations and increased grit, purpose and resolve.
In the Greek myth about ‘How Troubles Came into the World’ we learn that Pandora is so curious about a heavy box sent by the Gods to her lover Epimetheus, that, despite all warnings against doing so, she opens the lid. In that instant, out fly a great swarm of little winged creatures – all the troubles in the world. The paradise is shattered. People begin to get headaches, rheumatism and other illnesses. Instead of always being kind and pleasant to each other, people start to be unfriendly and quarrelsome. They also begin to grow old. Spring turns to the scorching heat of summer, summer to the bitter frosts of autumn, and autumn to the death of winter.
When the troubles leave Pandora's Box, she quickly closes the lid, thus imprisoning one little winged creature. This creature is Hope. Hope persuades Pandora to let her out and then goes around undoing the ills of the world (as effectively as one little creature could do when so grossly outnumbered by troubles).
Orbach and the ancient Greeks are telling us a fundamental truth of human existence – the world is full of troubles. When troubles strike, we feel blighted. It takes hope to undo our miseries. Surprisingly, hope is not found in ignoring, avoiding or repressing our troubles, but in facing them, feeling the impact of their fury, learning from their lessons and then letting them go. It is through this natural cycle that we regain hope – the great un-doer of trouble.
In the past, as a hobby for a few years, I trained a rowing crew of teenage boys. Early-on in the year we would look at our self-doubts, our fears and other self-imposed troubles. After considering them, we would let those fears go up in smoke and we then replaced them with our hopes and dreams. Fears of false starts, letting the team down or being under par for the big race were replaced with visions of effective performance, strong bonds between all team members and dreams of standing on the winner's dais. As we went through these exercises, I could see the boys (not then fortified by years of defence that so clearly afflicted their elders) shaking a little. As their ‘troubles’ went up in smoke, I saw them growing taller, stronger and fitter, and filling with hope. On race days, their performance increased markedly.
I did not tell them about Orbach, or the ancient Greeks or even the messages supporting hope that come through all the major religions. I did not need to. They knew how much better they felt by facing their own fears, doubts and self-limiting beliefs and replacing them with dreams and visions of hope. I saw how much more effectively they performed.
The simplest messages, the ones that come to us from religious and cultural traditions from over the centuries in different forms are generally full of truth. We are told that it takes a lot of courage to face our fears and disappointments. It can take just as much courage to dare to entertain hope and follow our dreams.
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